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“Today, we’re going to work shoulders, back, quads,” she says, sighing and rolling her eyes at our mutual friend Natalie.
#DONT CALL ME UP FITNESS FULL#
I can see you.” Sometimes she will get angry out of nowhere about something that has not happened - for example, at the beginning of workout eight (which you must repeat four times before moving on to workout nine), she shakes her head in disappointment as if I had just asked her what we are doing today, despite knowing full well what we will be doing today. She is often yelling at me that she does not care if I die she just wants me to “have sex with the lights on.” Sometimes she looks at me sternly and says, “Don’t phone this in.
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Jillian’s best quality is her randomly inspired, randomly directed rage. I’ve found that fear is the only real motivator when you are four-depressed. I used to do Jillian Michaels workouts in college, during the height of her Biggest Loser fame, and I remembered how frightening I found her back then that was enough for me to devote 2,700 minutes to her. I landed on “Jillian Michaels Body Revolution,” an app-based, 90-day workout program that’s at least a decade old, because I did not want to do any research whatsoever.
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In January, deep in the throes of four depressions (normal, seasonal, pandemic, primal-apocalyptic), I decided I should maybe try exercising every day instead of doing the exact opposite of that. I know 10 out of 11 of their first names, and I know that at least one of them has children and one of them does not like the workout move called “fast feet.” I’ll get into the details of their lives shortly, but first, allow me to explain how we met. after I have woken up, remembered the circumstances of our current collective existence, frowned, stared at my phone for one to four hours, and absorbed the contents of the entire internet. I see my friends six days a week for roughly 30 minutes at a time, usually at 9:30 a.m. The fact that they are all in the workout video is a coincidence - we would be friends anyway. All of them are supporting actors in my daily workout video, “Jillian Michaels Body Revolution.” (Jillian Michaels acts as an adjective and not a possessive noun, in this case, describing the specific sort of body revolution one might have). I do not want to speak for anyone else, because I don’t remember what anyone else looks like, but as we approach the maybe-end of the pandemic, I’ve been thinking fondly of the friends I made along the way. Photo: Courtesy of Jillian Michaels Body Revolution